70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
