Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
