I heard we made out
he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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