I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
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Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
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All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot