Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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