What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
My ATM looks so different sober.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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