I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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