I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Randomize
