So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
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