hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
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