Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
