It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
