My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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