Rock
Scissors
Fuck
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Randomize
