I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Randomize
