Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Just invented taco cereal.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
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