My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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