Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
