This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Randomize
