I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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