I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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