Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
