Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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