i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
