Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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