You really coming over, don't trick.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
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I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
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I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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