I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
