I can't breathe out the right side of my face
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
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