someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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