Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
