We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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