Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Everclear isn't food dammit
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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