i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
