You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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