I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
