I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Randomize
