The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
