The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
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