I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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