Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I think my vagina is haunted
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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