I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
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