I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
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