hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Randomize
