seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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