Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
