you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
