My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
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he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
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uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
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