You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
this hospital has no fireball
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
