All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
did i walk over a car last night?
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
