I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
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