She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
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She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
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We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
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