I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
honey bunches of taint.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
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i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
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The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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