i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Randomize
