She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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