Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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