Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Dear god my vagina.
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